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  • Today I wrote this. (that’s why I put the other post back up. They seem connected.)

    We have created a society where everything is at 0-10 or 90-100 all the time. A Sensationalized Society is what I call it. I thought this was just a problem I had, that something was wrong with me. Even took meds at one point to get me “even kill” I call it. The medicine just made me numb to the reality of what I was creating.

    My 14 year old and I talk, a lot. She sees the way everything is sensationalized to the point, “no one knows how to act “normal” any more.” She also said, “my friends can’t even tell a story without having some big ending or saying something they think will blow your mind.” She asks me, “What is that all about?” I laugh, not from humor but irony, and explain to her that I am realizing the same thing. She and I talk about what we can do to either help or deflect these types of people and situations.

    In my 20’s and 30’s I accepted, “this is just the way society is these days.” I see now, I was projecting responsibility. I realize I am society. I created this.

    My wife said we are in very dark times now. However, she said it will get worse. She is convinced. She is very adverse in the political world. Also very familiar in US and world History. “Although we have started a revolution, we have a long way to go.”

    I often think we are being exploited for how our brains function. There have been so many studies and tests done on the human brain. I wonder if I am really in control any more or if it is all a program. The color of the screen, the lettering of the font, the music, all of these things and more have been proven to effect our minds and decision making. Some things put you in the mood to buy, eat, feel relaxed. Our emotions are being capitalized on. And we are being programmed. Aren’t we?

    Another reason why I want to be a farmer. Long story, another blog perhaps. :)
  • This is something I wrote a few weeks back,,,,don't know why I deleted it. Yes I do, but that may bore you lol...

    I wonder if I am the only one, or part of a small group, that does everything at 0 or 100 on the scale 0-100. (Or 10 and 90.) Is everyone like this? I would like to be in the 40-60 range. It seems like whenever I start something new, job, relationship, project, diet, exercise, a book, spiritual healing, I go, go, go, go, then ………….bottom out. I’m 90-100 for a while, then I seem to drop to 0-10. Why is that? I am just realizing this today. I’ve pondered over why I am the way I am for as long as I can remember. Saying it this way makes sense. Especially when I think back on…………………….everything. I’ve gone to Dr.’s for stress and anxiety. They did EKG’s thinkiing there may be an issue with my heart. They want to pill me up. Give me prescriptions. I don’t like pills. Especially narcotics. I have watched my father and sisters deal with addiction. One, pill addiction. I know I have an addictive personality. I don’t want that, so I don’t do that. They say it will help balance me out. Get me on that 40-60 scale. Well, Although I think, that is what I want, to be 40-60. Even kill. Do I want pills? They have all of these horrible side effects. Can I let them do this to me? Is my brain just wire wrong? Will I always be this way. Is this the spiritual healing I’ve been searching for?

    I am starting to see things clearer. I have been digging deep, “soul searching” some say. I like that term but it is more than that to me. I just wanted to understand everything. About why I am me. Why I question everything and everyone, including me. I haven’t been afraid of God. Like I thought. I haven’t needed spiritual healing. I didn’t need medicine. I needed to find my reasons. My reasons for why I do the things I do, that I know, are not good for me, or my soul or anyone else. So I started searching. Joining groups, and trying new things. Absolutely at 100. Petal to the metal. Best thing I’ve learned, and what has kept me going, realizing I matter. I matter enough to keep looking. To keep going.

    The other side to this coin is I do know things. I pay attention. I know I have a soul. This inner something, that wants whatever is good. Good for me. Good for those around me. I bath in this when my mind allows me. It seems not only do I have a soul, but I also have a brain. One that keeps me guessing everything and doubting everything, even myself. Nearly everything anyway. Sometimes all at the same time. Yes, that usually turns into a train wreck.

    Is it because I feel too much? Interesting, I can hear myself saying, “Just don’t care Katie. It doesn’t matter….nothing matters.” Ah ha moment indeed. I say this to myself when I get hurt, or the rejection is too much. If I don’t care, or, if nothing matters, it won’t hurt or confuse me. It doesn’t work. Maybe it can last for an hour, or 2. This fasad I create. But the feeling comes back with a vengeance. Like a beach ball you are trying to keep under water but it keeps popping up. Stronger each time. I think mine has just popped me in the face.

    I bit my wife’s head off earlier. Well, sort of. I think she also feels too much. Should I say, too deeply. I was telling her something, and because she cared, so deeply, she interrupted me to share her thoughts. Of course, it was the rest of what I was telling her. As if she finished my thoughts. I didn’t see this at the time. In the moment I thought, “how rude!”. I said, sternly, “I wasn’t finished. So yeah, that’s what I was going to say until you interrupted me!” I immediately felt, “oh crap, what did you do?” It’s been about 3 hours. She is still distant. I notice whenever I hurt her feelings she stays lost for a while. I have to do a lot of reassuring her, to be allowed back in. She has deep wounds. I guess we all do. Our deep wounds of life, put us on a scale that controls our range of emotions and how well we deal with things. Understanding this. Wow. Another Ah ha moment. Glad I started looking harder. I knew my 40’s would be amazing.
  • Inner feeling.
    For as long as I can remember I have had this feeling of, knowing more than others. That is what it feels like. As if, I have a key no one else has. Even writing this, it doesn’t make sense. Let me give examples. It is easier than trying to say what it is…..and no, it isn’t ego.

    I seem to know what someone is going to say before they say it. I can tell almost immediately if someone is not “ok” with me. I will mention someones name like, “Katie Lynn hasn’t texted or called in a while”, and a few seconds or minutes later she will call or text.

    Or, I will just think of someone, like, I couldn’t get my Dad off my mind these last few days. I don’t see my parents often or speak to them. They don’t call or visit and neither do I. Any way, back to my Dad, I wanted to call him or text him. I felt this need to connect with him. I did nothing about it, as usual. I’ll come back to this in a moment.

    Yesterday, I bought a bouquet of flowers. I have a lot of vases, I love flowers. Yesterday, for the first time I used my grandmothers china vase. Not sure why, but it made me SMILE. The flowers seemed to smile.

    That brings us to today, and my Dad. I looked at my flowers and immediately thought of my Mother. I took a photo and sent it to her, saying, “this vase makes my flowers look prettier”. She responded with “beautiful”. As I said before, we don’t talk often. Today something told me to reach out, and in this way, sending a picture of this vase and these flowers.

    Then she sent a follow up text, “we are putting Maggie down today and your Dad is having a hard time with it”. Maggie is a rescue dog of my eldest sister. At least 10 or more years ago she asked my parents to keep her because Maggie would have a better life with them. Land, and they needed a friend too. Maggie was also missing a leg but that didn’t slow her down. Last year during a bad storm, Maggie failed to make it to the garage on time. My Dad searched for her for hours the next day and found her stuck in a ditch or small creek, she couldn’t get out of, at the bottom of their land. He and my Mom nursed her back. She is special to my Dad. I can see why he doesn’t want to loose her.

    Is this why he was on my mind? I told my Mom to hug him for me and tell him I love him.

    I can also feel when someone is getting ready to pull in the driveway. Granted, I time my wife because I like to have supper ready when she walks in the door. However, I can “feel” when she is getting ready to pull in the drive way. I will look out the window, a few seconds later, there she is, pulling in.

    I tell people these things and they laugh, roll their eyes, or say, “yeah, you’re weird”. So I don’t always tell anyone when these things happen. Is there more to this feeling? Can everyone “sense” things like this?
  • If %93 of communication is nonverbal, why do we self talk? We spend all this time, “speaking” to the universe. To ourselves. Speaking what we want. “words are powerful”. But most communication is nonverbal.

    Concluding, that creating my life is more than “self talking”. It is also action. Using this logic with math. If I spend %7 of my time, “self talking” and %93 of my nonverbal time implementing, action, will I accomplish more? You can tell yourself you love you, but you also have to SHOW yourself that you love you. Yes, Da. Of course. %93 is nonverbal, therefore it must be action.
  • The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost.

    The Gut, The Heart, and The Brain.

    Could it be so? Is this what the Bible is REALLY telling us? I am now learning, that if God is everything, I am God. God is within me. I’ve been taught that, God is, The Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I am now learning I am made up of three entities that create my life. My Gut, My Heart and My Brain. Is it just irony that they seem connected? 3 persons in 1 God, 3 people in me. I have, most of my life, been completely opposed to the Bible. The hurt it has caused. Wars Religion has caused. I rejected the Bible. Learning more, I now think, there is truth in there. Is this going to be the next book I pick up to read? Never thought I would. But it may be a history lesson I need. I’ve read passages from the Bible but never from the beginning to the end. It may take me years. Who knows. But I think there is something more in there.
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